When the heat is on

Hello Compassionate Communicators!

We hope you are staying warm this winter. I often find myself staying indoors way too often in winter, and yearning for more real connection.

So for this post, I wanted to share some insights on how to start doing that, with the conversations already happening in your life.

Authentic Relating Tidbits

So often in our interactions, we wind up in disagreements or misunderstandings because we make inaccurate assumptions about what someone means, or we hide our feelings about what we heard.

How do we make our communication at work or at home more effective, intimate or co-creative?

Two foundational steps we find work consistently are to:

1) Show the other person that you heard them and get what they mean

2) Share what you feel and want in response

Then discuss and repeat.

Sounds pretty simple right? I can’t tell you how uncommon this can be to do well, especially when the heat is on.

Here’s a work example: Your boss tells you on Friday he needs a proposal for the Monday morning meeting.

You could assume your boss forgot you were going away with family for the weekend or that (s)he doesn’t care about you. You react in a way you may regret, or more likely bury your feelings of resentment.

Or you could say something like…

1) “I hear how urgent this is and it sounds like you need me to work the weekend to make this happen.”

2) “I get the importance of getting this done and… I have a trip planned with family, and flights already scheduled so I feel stressed and upset about letting my family down if I do this. Can we discuss the options and what makes sense? I am struggling with my commitments here.”

A complementary home example:

Your partner is mad at you for canceling your family weekend for the 2nd time due to work. You could argue that you are working this hard so you can pay the bills for the family, etc… which the other side has come to expect to hear and argue about.

Or you could say…

1) “I hear you that you were really looking forward to this weekend. I imagine you feel disappointed, hurt and upset with me. Or think I’m not caring enough or prioritizing our time together.”

2) “I feel disappointed too, at losing this time together. I want to hear what else this brings up for you. As you know, my work is also important, so let’s make better make choices and priorities that we can both embrace. And I want to find ways that I can make this up to you.”

Obviously, the second alternative in both cases would create more connection and possibilities following the steps outlined. But here’s the rub and it won’t surprise you – it is not so easy to pull off the better alternative when you feel stressed, triggered or reactive.

We have seen people try it many times and it can come across as insincere, mechanical or patronizing, if they are still irritated. The next time you are stressed, try to calmly speak your truth, listen and genuinely empathize with the other person and see how easily it comes through or is received.

This is where practice is key. So I want to give you some simple phrases to try out and see how they work.

The key tidbits here to borrow and practice are…

1) I heard you say…

or….this is what I think I’m hearing, is that right?

 2) Hearing that I feel… and I want.

or… I’m hoping for…or would you consider…

I invite you to practice using those two phrases every day with 2 or 3 people, for a week or two and see what happens, what you learn and what impact it has on your connection with the people in your life.

The simplicity here is deceptive because the practice will save you when the heat is on. Without this grounding of practice, most of us will flounder. I certainly have many times in the past.

Share Your Gems 

Try it and let your community know how it goes. What worked, what didn’t? Where did you get stuck or reactive? How did the other side respond? What other suggestions do you have?

Feel free to share this on our Facebook page…

https://www.facebook.com/circlinginstitute/

Learning More

Got the basics and want to dive in deeper? Getting live feedback and insights on these practices and making adjustments until you get really good at them is what you will learn in our intro weekends and/or the Art of Circling Practitioner Training.

Getting the other person by sharing what you heard is the first level of what we call The Explorer: Getting Someone’s World.

Sharing what you feel and want are some of the basic skills of Sovereign: Your Presence.

You can find information on our upcoming Workshops and Intro Events on our website and/or our Facebook page.

Come join us and experience the changes first hand in how you relate with the people in your life.

Love,

Jon Cotton,

and The Circling Institute

“Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force. The friends who listen to us are the ones we move toward. When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand.”

–Karl A. Menniger

How a Teacher Taught Me to Read, without me knowing it, by ‘Getting My World’

Hello Circlers,

I feel deeply humbled by the truly remarkable people who have shown up for me throughout my life. I’ve come to understand the only way I could truly thank them is by uniquely reflecting back into the world what they shined on me.

As a child, I was plagued by multiple learning disabilities (for all kinds of reasons) that made it damn near impossible for anyone to teach me how to read. My parents unwittingly tried everything to help me – from hiring special tutors to sending me to different schools, but nothing ever seemed to make a difference. By the time I was 11 years old, in 5th grade, I was still testing at a 1st grade level of comprehension…not good!

Then one day, an older woman about 65 years old named Mrs. Brutchs, showed up in my class and brought me to her room down the hall. Her room was filled with all kinds of toys, blocks, and colorful pictures. I recall her simply noticing where in the room my attention went and encouraged me to move towards what captured me. I remember feeling in her presence that I was in a magical world that I had only known before when wandering alone all by myself (which, as an only child, was often). 

Like clockwork, she would come every day to my classroom and take me to her room for two hours. I don’t recall her ever talking to me about schoolwork or grades, nor do I ever remember her mentioning what we were doing, or even why we were doing it. I didn’t question her, I simply felt totally at home.

Meanwhile, every Friday we would receive a stack of graded papers from that week to take home to our parents. I hated this ritual because I was lucky if I ever achieved anything higher than a C for grades. Then one Friday afternoon, something remarkable happened. 

But first a quick update – at this point, I had been working with Mrs. Brutchs for about three months. I came home from school and took my ominous stack of papers out of my backpack, ritually put them on the kitchen table and booked it to my room as usual, before anyone saw them.

Shortly later, I heard my mom make almost hysterical sounds of disbelief. Thinking to myself, “Oh God now what have I done?” I heard her call me downstairs. She had tears in her eyes and proceeded to show me paper after paper with only A’s and B’s circled at the top. My mom asked me – what happened? I honestly had no idea.

Mrs. Brutchs had not only taught me how to read but somehow did it without me even noticing it! Turns out she had worked with me every day that whole year and by the time I was in 6th grade I was testing higher than my grade level in reading comprehension (I never did learn how to spell equally well, but who’s tracking?)!

I’ve often thought about my experience with Mrs. Brutchs and how she was able to get me to learn, where everybody up to that point had failed. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to understand that Mrs. Brutchs wasn’t “teaching” me anything. She wasn’t applying a technique, theory of education or any other kind of pretense or position with me. 

She simply loved me and allowed me to be me. And in her love, I think she truly saw me perhaps deeper than anyone had seen me before. Looking back, I realize she listened with a deeper ear, getting both my world and how I really saw and experienced this world. Given I am so right-brain dominant, I now understand she simply guided me into naturally learning how to read the way I would…with my right brain!. She was so attuned to the whole of me that I didn’t even notice I started reading because I wasn’t reading. I was simply being. 

I’ve have been so fortunate to have had other crucial people come into my life like Mrs. Brutchs who, through my time with them, blossomed a potential in me I never knew was there. Remembering all of these amazing human beings, I realize I don’t recall much of what they said to me, but rather what I recall is who I became within the depth of their gaze, love and profound understanding of me.

I’m not sure I will ever really comprehend the extent to which how who I am today has been shaped by the quality of listening of others – coming from the most generous part of the human heart and what it can give. Mrs. Brutchs and others remain for me the most valuable influencers in my life and it has become my life’s mission to offer this same generosity which has ripened me into one who now awakens such a gaze in others.

I invite you to pay this generosity forward with the people in your life. 

with love,
Guy Sengstock


As always, let us know how the daily personal and professional
conversations in your life are going…

www.circlinginstitute.com
https://www.facebook.com/circlinginstitute/

Jerry Candelaria, the Co-Founder of Circling®, died July 22nd 2017.

Jerry and I co-discovered what became called “Circling®” over 20 years ago, and his contribution to the practice is immeasurable. Jerry was at the very heart and source of facilitating Circling®, which is now all over the world, has evolved with many others contributing to its growth and is now practiced in many forms by thousands of people in every walk of life. Everytime someone Circles, a part of Jerry lives on, and his legacy and gifts continue to unfold.

To honor Jerry and his life, I want to give testimony to his contribution to Circling®, both in how it is practiced, and in the values it embodies.

Jerry was born and raised in Fresno, CA…a fact I loved to tease him about as often as I could! He was as much a child of the human potential movement as he was of the Central Valley. He took his first personal development course at 16 years old, and went on to study and be part of many organizations as a true “student of transformation.” He immersed himself in work such as Understanding Yourself and Others, Landmark Education, Grof’s Holotropic Breathwork, Vic Baronko’s MoreHouse & Welcome Consensus, and The Sterling Institute Men’s Weekend.

As the extreme being he was, Jerry would dive head first into an organization with his whole being until it transformed him. Jerry’s deep love of transformational learning was revealed by the joy and reverence with which he told the stories of how he was turned inside out by these trainings. He was captivated, not by learning in the traditional sense with the acquisition of knowledge, but rather by learning as the process of the complete transformation of one’s whole being. Jerry knew that in order to learn something transformative, he first had to unlearn something else. This unlearning is often experienced as a kind of death of the old self, and a rebirth of someone fully new.

Jerry thrived on the process of transformation, and consciously brought this way of engaging to every part of Circling® and to the early structures that originally developed it – Arete, Men’s Circle, and Gratitude Parties. Everything from the the way we structured the courses, to how the production staff was organized and conducted, to the way people were enrolled, was designed as part of a transformational learning experience. Every component, including the social community that organized around the courses, was designed so that the outdated versions of the self could die and be transformed. In other words, like a hologram, everything we did in the course challenged participants and staff to accomplish something new that wasn’t possible within their current way of being, by putting people up against all of their resistance. The process supported people in allowing their limiting ways of being to be fully seen and then to die, as a new way of being was born, one which was more unconditionally loving, generous, and true.

In the legendary early days of Arete, the production team soon became what was called the Arete Advanced Course. At one point, we found ourselves with over 40 people paying to be part of the production team for a course that had 8 people in it! The production team was tightly organized into levels of leadership roles, which people would strive to grow into and master, being transformed by the process. For example, the highest role was “Source Team Lead,” whose job was to hold the “transformational space” of the entire course, and to be the “source” of support for the participant’s desired outcomes. The challenge for the Source team lead was to accomplish this without lifting one finger in “doing” anything, but rather to achieve the result through their way of being. They would sit in a tall Director’s Chair in the back of the room, and empower the their team through being present and making clear requests. Reaching this level of leadership within Arete indicated that a person had been truly transformed by their learning.

There were multiple teams – a food team, course leader support, and room setup, with each team having a lead and different roles. Everyone would show up to the course with something clearly defined as being “at stake” in their own lives. Everyone agreed to push their personal edge in being present, communicating clearly, and working through upsets to completion. Needless to say, the folks who participated were personally challenged in ways that supported their growth as human beings. At the the end of the course, the feeling of liberated beings with expanded hearts, deeply acknowledging each other’s transformation was palpable, as people expressed unforeseen wells of gratitude and love.

The enrollment process was no exception to the transformational process. Jerry would often say that the person’s course “started” the moment they began considering it. The commitment was that each person get deeply served in the process of enrollment, even if they never signed up for the course. Making a decision about whether to take the course meant getting in touch with what was worth transforming themselves for. As you can imagine, just having this conversation led to life changing shifts for people. Inevitably, one would get to a place where the very reason they would choose to take the course was the very reason they would choose not to take it….as a space of genuine choice was revealed. I recall spending many hours with Jerry working with folks to truly face what was most real for them (and scary), and in the end choose not to enroll. In those cases, Jerry and I would say we’d done our job.

Within his commitment to transformation, the most unique gift that Jerry brought was that which he couldn’t not bring – his heart. It was Jerry’s deep paradoxical heart that sourced a way of being that led him to jump head first into all the crazy trainings and experiences of death and rebirth – a journey he began as a teenager and brought back to us.  

Jerry’s heart had two distinctive sides. On one side, Jerry had an almost archetypal feminine sensitivity and care, which gave him the excruciating ability to deeply feel the pain of the entire universe within you. On the other side was a relentless archetypal fatherly demand that you open your heart to the deepest truth of your reality – not just where you wanted, but precisely where you didn’t. Add to all this the deepest, most insecure and socially awkward need for approval and adoration that I’ve ever seen in a human being, and you can begin to get a sense of the paradoxical force of nature that was Jerry!

It was in the early, crude days of Circling®, that these three facets of Jerry wrestled out the early forms of Circling®. The three sides of Jerry made every Circle a kind of explosive, transformative experience for the participant, usually making Jerry’s need for approval the sacrificial lamb.

How this would often play out was that Jerry would somehow become the person who most triggered you. If you hated being controlled, Jerry would try to control you. If your worst fear was being bullied, he would show up as that bully. In other words, the fatherly demand in Jerry would awaken to any place where you were strategic or guarded, and he would essentially become your worst nightmare, eventually revealing the real pain underneath your defense. Then, at just the right moment (and usually at the point when it really looked like Jerry was the bad guy), I would come in from the back of the room and help facilitate you through what Jerry just triggered. Eventually the pain that Jerry clumsily unearthed in you was fully seen and finally felt, giving way to the unique beauty of your essence for all to fall in love with. By the end, Jerry was right there next to you, as it became obvious that this moment was what he was connected to in you the whole time. When this happened, people bowed in full gratitude to Jerry’s deep heart.

Method always precedes theory, as was the case with Circling®. Like any new and novel art form, it is first lived out in action and only after a while was the underlying pattern abstracted out into language. Although we no longer “confront,” make assertions, or have any particular agenda when we Circle, the paradoxical values that beat within Jerry’s heart – the bottomless well of care and unyielding commitment to truth, live in the very fabric of Circling®.

Jerry’s gifts not only live on through the Circling® practice but also in bloodline. Jerry’s son Caleb Candalaria recently took the Art of Circling® Training, at the age of 17 years old! It was an amazing experience for everyone in the course to witness this beautiful, emotionally mature young man, raised and fathered by the man who was instrumental in co-developing the method they were being trained in. It was strikingly clear from day one that Caleb had something very special about him that was clearly matured in Jerry’s love. What shined forth through Caleb was an an openness to life and a curiosity about people which made it impossible to not fall in love with him. With remarkable tenderness and unending presence, Caleb displayed a way of being with people that drew out what was most real and true for them. His striking intuition and way of conducting himself as a Circler displayed a person deeply at home in his own heart and implicitly invited everyone in his presence to do the same.

The day after Jerry died I had the deep privilege to spend time with Caleb. I will never forget the long walk we took together in the Marina by his house in Albany. Being a young man coming to grips with the death of his father is perhaps one of the deepest things a man can ever go through and walking with Caleb at the very beginning of that process was beyond what words can touch. I watched Caleb burn with the implicit awareness of the need to look directly at the truth of his experience with his whole being no matter how painful or daunting and to do so through and in relationship with people who loved him. As we walked together he laid bare moment by moment the emotional wrestling match happening inside him. One moment we were crying, the next laughing, the next dwelling in deep silence. I heard him speak of his love for Jerry and the grief that was just starting to hit him…while aware of the connection happening between us and wanting the same openness he was sharing from me as well. The whole time I couldn’t help but feel Jerry’s deep heart live on in Caleb’s maturity and pure openness.

As I write this, I can’t help but imagine – what would it be like if more people were raised with the type of conscious awareness that Circling® cultivates and Caleb got to grow up in?

I will miss you with all my Heart my best friend….

– Guy Sengstock